Nipple-pa-looza Part One
Disclaimer: If you are offended by the word nipple, then you may not want to read any further. Because this blog has the word nipple in it a gazillion times. Honestly, that word is really no big deal because most everyone has two of them...some people even have three! Fun Fact: One of my friends in first grade had three nipples. As a first grader, I thought that was the coolest thing I had ever seen, and there was nothing I wanted more than a third nipple. My poor mom was absolutely mortified during my third nipple obsession- especially when anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas (a third nipple) or what I wished for on my birthday (a third nipple) or what I wanted to be when I grew up (someone with a third nipple). Anyways, if you can make it through this disclaimer, then you can make it through this blog. So carry on...witcha bad self and your third nipple! Ok, I’m sorry, that was unnecessary (unless you really do have three nipples...lucky dog). Carry on.
Our lives were forever changed one cold winter’s night a few days before Christmas a couple of years ago. Brett and I had just bought a new house, and we were as excited as we could be about our dream home blessing! It was around midnight when I heard the first trickling of water. Our dream home blessing included an unexpected water feature...in the middle of our living room.
Before you read any further, there is one thing you guys have to know about me- in the wintertime, it seriously takes an act of Congress to get me out of bed. I can not stand being cold!! I feel physical pain, and I am certain this is some kind of cold weather phobia disorder, but I can’t find it on the internet yet (Come on WebMD! Get your stuff together!!! I’m just kidding WebMD, don’t sue me. Nobody reads this blog besides my mother, and anyway, you guys are awesome. I diagnosed myself with Lyme disease last year with your site’s help. I just had a head cold, but whatevs. You guys have always been there for me and my irrational fears. I love you, WebMD.) Anyways, when I am forced to leave the warmth of my bed, my body shuts down and goes into shock! Brett knows this about me, and he knows the drill when I’m in bed during the wintertime... Crying kid- he gets up to check. Ghost noises- he gets up to check. Burglar- he gets up to check. House fire- he gets up to check. I don’t get out of the bed in the wintertime until Brett has turned the heat up to 92 degrees, turned the bathroom heat on, built a fire in the fireplace, and puts blankets in strategic places around the house in case I begin to experience signs of hypothermia and need to lay down and wrap up to get warm.
He knows the drill, and I love him for that. But on this particular icy winter night, Brett was in a nyquil coma. When I heard the first trickle of water, I whispered to Brett, “Baby, you hear that? Is that water?” He didn’t budge. Then the trickle became a flowing stream, so I shook Brett and said in a panicked voice, “Brett! I hear water! In the living room!” Still didn’t budge. When the flowing stream became a rushing waterfall, I knew I had to pull out the big guns to get him to wake up, so I screamed in his ear, “Brett! CODE RED!! CODE RED!!” Nothing. “ZOMBIES!!” Nothing. “I’M PREGNANT!!” Nothing. “I GOT A PERM!!” Nothing. Never budged. So I threw the covers off, ran through the living room past the waterfall, and straight to the source...the boys’ bathroom upstairs.
That is all for Part One of Nipple-pa-looza because #1. I think my blogs may be too long. I guess I need to google how long blogs should be. #2. Because I want you to come back and read more!! Don’t you want to keep reading?? I haven’t even gotten to the nipple part yet! And #3. I need to use my computer for medical research...I found an itchy spot on my neck and according to WebMD, it’s probably testicular cancer...which has me worried...because I don’t have testicles...